Dead Caterpillar

The universe is a vast cosmic conspiracy ...

I don’t mean to be condescending … but

Sunday, Jan 30th, 2011

I had a good laugh reading the “I Secured an Internship, Now What?” section of my university’s internship handbook. I’m more of an idiot for reading it than the author is for writing it. And the author is a better humor writer than I am, regardless of whether he intended to write in the humor genre.

Below are some notable points, copied verbatim from the handbook. My wisecracks are in red. In no way do they compare to the wisdom of Jesus.

Under “What do I need to do BEFORE the day I start?” and “What do I need to do on my first day?”


I’ll be sure never to make exclamatory statements in all caps and parentheses.

* Be ready for “Crappy” duties

Does this mean toilet scrubbing or fishing for crappies? I can’t imagine why crappy is in quotes.

* Get ready to be yelled at.

Presumptuous much?

*Be polite and courteous even when you do not feel like it. If you are yelled at or treated poorly, do not fall prey to Mr. Revenge.

Who is this “Mr. Revenge” character? I’d like to meet him. Even if it means being impolite and uncourteous. Is there a Mrs. Revenge as well?

*Do not fall in love with the Secretary—keep love out of the office.

Career advice and love advice: the LU career center does it all.

*Nothing amoral is beneath you – you are an intern!

Is this supposed to be satirical or something? I though Liberty was training ‘young champions for Christ’.

* This is a text-free area! Don’t get caught texting or making calls when you are supposed to be on the clock. And take out those headphones and put away your MP3 player.

Assuming “this” is the workplace, and I am supposedly on the clock, I’m glad the author clarified that I should take out my headphones then proceed to put away my mp3 player. After all, what good would my mp3 player be if I didn’t have headphones? Smart.

Under “What do I need to do to make my internship worthwhile and beneficial?”

* Keep in touch with people you meet, after all internships can lead to jobs and other things that can benefit you in the future.

True. True. A valid point.

I like valid points because they bring understanding, good things and benefit me in the future — and stuff like that — and I  hope I’m not being too obvious or vague; after all, when something is obvious it is evident or apparent and when something is vague, it is not specific.

* Didn’t like the experience? Look for new ones!

I’m glad we left off on that very enthusiastic note. I feel confident knowing the career center at Liberty University has my back.

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