Rant: hot dogs, condiments, pickle jars
Sunday, Sep 11th, 2011It is a sick game the hot dog bun people play with the hot dog people, conspiring together to always make the bun slightly longer than the dog, or the dog slightly shorter than the bun. We’ve all been there, holding that small stub of bread, wondering what do with it. Do I eat it.. throw it out? Major WTF moment. And then Oscar Mayer has the nerve, the sheer audacity to sell “bun length” dogs, as if “bun length” is some new, novel concept.
A sick, sick game.
What’s worse is the asshole mustard people. Man has mastered the skies and ventured space, defeated polio and small pox, scaled Everest and K2. Millions of years of evolution.[1] Untold bounds in science and medicine, especially in the last century. Yet we’re still squirting 3 ounces of warm yellow water – the condiment equivalent of diarrhea — on our franks. Somehow no one has figured it out. Not even the geniuses over at Oscar Mayer, responsible for the innovative ‘frank that actually fits your bun’. I for one blame the mustard people but the ketchup people are by no means innocent. You’d be lucky to get a squirt of diluted diarrhea-ketchup out of a half-finished glass bottle of Heinz, after your hand goes numb from smacking the bottle. Someone was being real cute at the Heinz bottling factory. And fuck pickle jars! I’d have better luck opening a cockpit door on a mid-flight 747.
After 9/11.
That’s why every man knows to never ever (ever!) attempt to open a pickle jar when a girl is watching. Four minutes in and you’re the girl. And should a girl ask you to open a pickle jar, you can pretty much kiss your masculinity goodbye. It’s not going to open. Not even if you happened to carry around a crow bar. Not with three sticks of dynamite. Then come the usual can’t-open cliches …
“Hmm … can’t seem to get a grip on this thing …”
“My hands are wet!”
“Hmph … I think the lid on this pickle jar might be defective!”
Message to pickle people: Let me in. I’m not a terrorist. And fuck you.
Fuck you and your pickles.
- [1] I find Darwin’s theory laughable and therefore see fit to allude to it in the facetious tone. Men evolved from apes … how absurd! It is far more reasonable, though a tad misanthropic, to assume apes evolved from men. ↩