Dead Caterpillar

The universe is a vast cosmic conspiracy ...

It is a sick game the hot dog bun people play with the hot dog people, conspiring together to always make the bun slightly longer than the dog, or the dog slightly shorter than the bun. We’ve all been there, holding that small stub of bread, wondering what do with it. Do I eat it.. throw it out? Major WTF moment. And then Oscar Mayer has the nerve, the sheer audacity to sell “bun length” dogs, as if “bun length” is some new, novel concept.

A sick, sick game.

What’s worse is the asshole mustard people. Man has mastered the skies and ventured space, defeated polio and small pox, scaled Everest and K2. Millions of years of evolution.^[1] Untold bounds in science and medicine, especially in the last century. Yet we’re still squirting 3 ounces of warm yellow water – the condiment equivalent of diarrhea — on our franks. Somehow no one has figured it out. Not even the geniuses over at Oscar Mayer, responsible for the innovative ‘frank that actually fits your bun’. I for one blame the mustard people but the ketchup people are by no means innocent. You’d be lucky to get a squirt of diluted diarrhea-ketchup out of a half-finished glass bottle of Heinz, after your hand goes numb from smacking the bottle. Someone was being real cute at the Heinz bottling factory. And fuck pickle jars! I’d have better luck opening a cockpit door on a mid-flight 747.

After 9/11.

That’s why every man knows to never ever (ever!) attempt to open a pickle jar when a girl is watching. Four minutes in and you’re the girl. And should a girl ask you to open a pickle jar, you can pretty much kiss your masculinity goodbye. It’s not going to open. Not even if you happened to carry around a crow bar. Not with three sticks of dynamite. Then come the usual can’t-open cliches …

“Hmm … can’t seem to get a grip on this thing …”

“My hands are wet!”

“Hmph … I think the lid on this pickle jar might be defective!”

Message to pickle people: Let me in. I’m not a terrorist. And fuck you.

Fuck you and your pickles.

1. ^[1] Play along. I’m no evolutionist. I find Darwin’s theory laughable and therefore see fit to allude to it in the facetious tone. Men evolved from apes … how absurd! It is far more reasonable, though a tad misanthropic, to assume apes evolved from men. ↩

Honestly I’m not sure if I should have moral indignation for the people still whining about 9/11 or the people whining about people still whining about 9/11. I’m confused as to what position to take on this very important sociopolitical issue… It was suggested by an esteemed internet friend that I instead focus my energy on something more practical. Like baking.

I think I will do that.

Every once in a while you just need to lapse. I mean really lapse.

You come home from work on Friday night and get totally drunk with your best friend Jim Beam. Then when you’re super drunk you pig out on cheese doodles dipped in ranch dressing while watching straight through the entire first season of Mad Men in your boxers. You ignore everyone and everything. You periodically doze off and wake up in drunken stupors throughout the weekend. Sure you check the time every once in a while, but only to make sure it’s not Monday yet. You don’t do anything adultish like taking out the trash or washing the dishes or feeding the cat.

You just sit there, lie there, and lapse.. the entire weekend. And you enjoy every god damn minute of it.

I watched Planet of the Apes (the 2001 Mark Wahlberg one) today on FX, in between packing and moving stuff into my new house. I find the whole Planet of the Apes saga difficult to take seriously, simply because apes have such funny connotation. When I think of apes, I think of tree swinging, of ew-ew ah-ah sounds, butt scratching and bananas. Just stuff I can’t take seriously. So no matter how much an ape looks and acts human, there is always that underlying funny connotation there.. and that’s going to directly undermine their good or evil, heroic or villainous, dramatic portrayals in Planet of the Apes.

Anyway, I noticed the voice of Charleston Heston in Thade’s father this time around.

In the above scene, Ape-Heston is on his death bed consoling Thade (the evil chimp villain on the right) to exterminate the humans or something like that. His last words are “Damn them … damn them all to Hell!”

Love it! Golden!

Anyone who is familiar with the original 1968 Planet of the Apes knows that Charleston Heston (playing as a man, not an ape) utters that very same line during the famous beach scene, just after he finds the Statue of Liberty in ruins and discovers that the humans destroyed themselves. I used to re-enact the scene as a kid, on the beach during family vacations, much to my mother’s amusement.

Ahhhhhh!! I love it so much! Heston says it so emphatically, with so much umph. And with his hands in the sand like that … the waves! A truly magic movie moment. I’m pretty sure I re-enacted that scene every time my family went to the beach.

There is a delicious parody of the scene in the animated adventure comedy Madagascar. I watched Madagascar for the first time a few summers ago at a camp I was working at in Maryland. It was movie night and the room was full of kids. None of them understood the reference.

Of course the lion (Ben Stiller) omits “God” and uses the euphemisms darn and heck in place of damn and hell. I guess that’s to be expected in a kid’s movie, but it really only adds to the humor.

I’m not too anxious to see the new Rise of the Planet of the Apes movie. I feel the overly-exhausted end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it theme has lost its novelty (with 2012, Battle: LA, I am Legend, Daybreakers, Priest, The Book of Eli, The Road, etc) and, besides, as stated, apes don’t do much for me in any sort of dramatic context. I’ll probably see it when it comes out in the dollar theater.

How else could the page body have slimmed down 100 pixels overnight?

Don’t judge. All the cool bloggers are doing it. I also got a new tagline.

The universe is a vast cosmic conspiracy …^[1]

Genius, I know.

And I added a Facebook Like Box at the bottom of every page, which is pretty snazzy.

I love looking at the handsome faces of people that liked my site on facebook. They’re all beautiful people with exceptionally good taste. Except for the guy who used to live on my dorm named Josh. He’s just a complete retard.

It’s a humorous facebook profile pic you have there Josh, but …

 

Never go full retard.

I’ll be doing some more much needed renovations, possibly a full redesign. I’m still considering different tagline ideas, so if you can think of anything clever or witteh, submit it via the contact form… meh who am I kidding? There isn’t anyone actually reading this blog, let alone someone that gives a damn what the design is… But still, it’s fun to pretend!

1. ^[1] Changed from “Of course it’s a metaphor you fools …” which I felt was too condescending. ↩

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