Fun things to do on Facebook
Sunday, Nov 7th, 2010There are three fun things I’d like to do on Facebook.
Fun thing #1: Write a bogus Facebook biography
I like reading peoples’ Facebook bios because it makes me feel like a better writer. Or at least a better editor. I have observed that the most common male Facebook bio often contains this phrase (quoted verbatim):
“I’m a pretty chill guy.”
I too deem myself a pretty chill guy. I just feel that the phrase “I’m a pretty chill guy” doesn’t say enough. It needs pizazz. Flare. Even if that means taking a few creative liberties with the facts. Below is my new experimental bio which leads gloriously into the “I’m a pretty chill guy” phrase. I will be putting the following up as my new Facebook bio.
Christopher Scott is a world-renowned writer, actor, director, doctor, comedian, musician, astrophysicist, and overall very important person. His work, adored by millions, has brought food to the hungry, has kept the earth from tilting too much, has defined an entire generation—no, species.
Pretty much anything great that has ever been done in this decade can be attributed to Chris Scott. Although he is rarely ever credited. And because of his impressive modesty, he rarely ever takes credit for his work.
Chris Scott’s philosophy on life is this: get’er done. He is currently working on his dissertation, “Get’er Done: A Manifesto,” which will be published as soon as he graduates from his ultra-prestigious, ultra-accredited, mega-ultra-ivy-league university.
When Chris is not busy saving rain forests and inventing flight, he likes to sit down, relax and devise new quantum theories.
Chris is a pretty chill guy.
I confess that I am wary of putting something like that up on Facebook. Not everyone understands satire. It is unfortunate but I can think of at least one friend whose reading comprehension level must have begun flat-lining at some point after kindergarten and before sixth grade. I half-expect said person to approach me one day and say:
“Chris, you pretentious butthole. LIAR. How dare you say those things about yourself? You’re not an astrophysicist … or an actor!”
Yes, I am always wary of throwing things up on Facebook. But I believe this is a good quality.
Some people reveal things on Facebook that should have been left a mystery. Take for example this status update which caused me to spit my coffee out and explode with laughter, nearly bursting my ribcage and imploding my aorta (not a heart but the closest thing I have to one)***:
That rare glittering gem of self-disclosure is a classic case of TMI or too much information. TMI is when your heart crawls up through your throat, somehow sneaks past the filter of your mind and sits comfortably on the tip of your tongue. With TMI cases that involve keyboards (see above), the heart surpasses your mind-filter and possesses the fingers.
I too have fell victim to TMI. But I am more susceptible to TMI’s ugly little cousin, or the inverse of too much information which is too much inquiry. The following are all inquiries I have made to other human beings, not online but in real life:
“Is that a toupee?”
“Are you a lesbian?”
This one, my personal favorite, nearly got me a slap in the face: “When’s the baby due?”
I never really got rid of the idea put in my head as a child that there are no bad questions, only bad answers. That idiom is most certainly wrong. Experience disproves it. The idiom ought to be revised to: ‘there are bad questions AND bad answers’. That’s at least what I’m telling my children.
Fun thing #2: Creep out a girl by liking and commenting on all her Facebook activities
Beautiful girls always complain about their creepers. Unattractive girls don’t often get that luxury. All girls, whether they complain about it or not, secretly want to be creeped on. Why not? It’s nice to be loved.
I’ve been thinking about finding a lonely girl and creeping on her, just to increase her self-esteem and overall happiness. Even though I currently have no natural inclination to creep on anyone, I’m sure I could fake it.
Facebook seems like an ideal creeper tool. By liking and commenting on each one of the girl’s Facebook activities (past, present and future), the creeper not only sends a strong message but also creates a permanent record for the girl and all her friends to see.
The only flaw I see in this fun social experiment is that the girl creeped on has the ability to de-friend the creeper, instantly blocking all his creeper activities. I am fairly confident this will not happen. Every girl secretly wants to be creeped on.
Fun thing #3: Click the like button on absolutely everything imaginable
I believe this will significantly increase the amount of happiness in my Facebook friend bubble and, ultimately, the world. When people share things, they want them to be liked. Everyone wants to be liked. Why not like everyone and all things that they share? I might start a movement. My excessive liking habits will spread to other friends till it encompasses my entire network. Then other networks. Before you know it, everyone is liking absolutely everything about absolutely everyone. People stop making Jew jokes. Al Quida adds the clause “fill the world with more rainbows and butterflies” to its mission statement. The Westboro Babtist people, out of love, are throwing themselves off cliffs. The world is a happier place. It’s a well-liked place.
***Unfair analysis. I had someone tell me that my heart is like a squishy toy: amusing, but in a strange sort of way. For some reason I am reminded of this scene from Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom which scared the bejeebies out of me when I was a little kid:
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A glowy picture of my dog
A glowy picture of my other dog
