Dead Caterpillar

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Saturday, Dec 4th, 2010

I am suffering from a rare condition known as CULM.

CULM sometimes prevents me from leaving my bed in the morning. It is a terrible condition. I wish my friends knew how difficult it is to do anything with CULM. It is like a cancer eating my brain. Apparently, there’s nothing the doctors can do about it.

I know this blog has traditionally been an outlet for my humor but I’d like to lay all pretense aside and for once be frank with everyone. One day I won’t even be able to move a finger because of CULM. I won’t be able to work, interact with others or even move around. I’ll be a vegetable. This is not a joke. That’s what they tell me.

Wow. This blog suddenly lost a lot of its comedic charm, huh? The truth isn’t always as funny as we would like it to be.

Right now is sort of like the humor blog equivalent of those few serious moments in every sitcom, like when Rachel breaks up with Ross in Friends. Or when Rachel and Ross are having a solemn discussion about their unborn baby because they are still friends, even though they are no longer together (which always struck me as sort of odd). And like when Joey in Friends realizes that his career as an actor is going nowhere.

(At this point it has become evident that I am at loss for specific examples in a sitcom other than Friends.)

Point is: while dramas have comic relief, comedies have dramatic relief. So get ready for some dramatic relief …

Well. Where should I start?

I was first diagnosed with CULM or a Complete Utter Lack of Motivation during my senior year in highschool. My fellow classmates grew concerned when they noticed that I could not keep my head up from my desk for more than 15 seconds at a time during classes. My guidance counselor was first to diagnosis me.

“Chris, you’re suffering from a Complete Utter Lack of Motivation,” he said. “I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do for you.”

The condition worsened in college. Sometimes I wake up to get up for class in the morning but can’t get out of bed. The worst part is that I’m not even physically tired or sleepy when this happens. I just don’t want to get up because of a Complete Utter Lack of Motivation. I lie in bed pretending that I am sleepy even though I am really not.

If I do manage to get out of bed, I must do a thing my Bio 101 teacher calls locomotion. I must expend energy which, according to my Bio 101 teacher, is one of the six essential characteristics of life. I must expend energy in order to be considered alive.

Locomotion is a tough characteristic of life to nail for people suffering from a Complete Utter Lack of Motivation. It’s much more difficult than homeostasis and growth which sort of come naturally. Reproduction can at least be postponed but locomotion requires constant, perpetual action. And society looks down on people that only eat and breathe to fulfill the locomotion criteria for living beings. So to be a living being that is somewhat respected, people must at least perform basic tasks: move around, communicate, put clothes on. That sort of stuff.

But if the mere act of staying awake is difficult for people with CULM, I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it is to perform basic tasks. For people like me, performing basic tasks can be extremely bothering and sometimes painful. Even writing this very sentence is bothering me; it’s taking forever; now it’s become painful, agonizing; it’s much too long; when will this sentence be over?

Finally. Glad writing that sentence is done with. Was that sentence as bothersome to read as it was to write? I hope not.

Come to think of it, writing this entire blog post is bothersome. It’s much too long. I think I’ll just stop writing it. To hell with conclusions. I’m going to bed.

One Response to “CULM”

  1. Tim Jones says:

    My Chris, how tragic. And at such a young age, to be suffering from CULM. I have three cats, all three of whom have been similarly diagnosed with CULM. And there is no known cure. And what seems like the obvious therapy, getting more sleep, is to a CULM victim what drinking salt water is to someone dying of thirst. It just makes the vicious cycle all that, well, vicious.

    Personally, I suffer from my own disorder: MAPUT-MED Syndrome. And like CULM, there is no known cure. For some people the symptoms subside a bit after the kids are through college. I can only hope and pray. Good luck to you in dealing with your star-crossed struggle. I will pray for a cure. In the meantime, go back to bed. There is a Friends Marathon on TBS you won’t want to miss.

    MAPUT-MED Syndrome: Middle Age Parent Up To My Eyeballs in Debt

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